Army of Ghosts

I tried to pretend that it wasn't going to happen. I saw the dalek extermination in the trailer at the end of Fear Her and thought, 'No, they wouldn't'. I'd even half convinced myself that the Torchwood boffins had at some point acquired a dalek gun for themselves. But then, I wondered, why zap a pedestrian with it? Then, a few minutes into Army of Ghosts, I saw that unopenable sphere and thought, 'I bet there's daleks in there.' And, of course, there were.

Two things are wrong here.

Firstly, Doctor Who has become pathetic at keeping secrets. The programme makers' desire for Radio Times covers and tabloid column inches has left them eager to spoil pretty much every surprise in the programme. It's a bit like having a cinema usherette wave you to your seat and say, 'Oh, by the way, Darth Vader is Luke's father' or 'Bruce Willis' character is actually a ghost' or 'Brad Pitt is a figment of Edward Norton's imagination'. Ah, oops, sorry if I've just spoilt anything for anybody there... And the makers of Doctor Who still carry on as if no one knows - keeping the cybermen hidden away in The Age of Steel until near the end, despite that week's Radio Times having several pages devoted to the mechanical monsters. And Army of Ghosts builds up to the 'shock' revelation that those friendly ghosts are actually... cybermen! (Yes, thanks, worked that one out.) And, if that wasn't enough, I mean, oh my God! You are just going to explode at this one, right, but, like, inside that black sphere are, wait for it... daleks! (Um, yes, kind of deduced that one too, thanks. And, thanks to the news and the good old Radio Times, I'm also fully aware that Mickey comes back and that Rose leaves at the end of the story. Oh, and thanks to the last trailer, I know that Rose's Dad and Mickey's mate also come back.) Correct me if I'm wrong, but one of the most enjoyable things about fiction, whether film, book or TV, is the suspense - not knowing what's going to happen next. It creates excitement, involvement, tension. And Doctor Who is severely lacking in all three at the moment.

Secondly, well, daleks and cybermen; cybermen and daleks. It's creative bankruptcy really, isn't it? It's the idea that teenage fanboys come up with. It's Aliens vs Predator, King Kong vs Godzilla, Freddy vs Jason. It's tired, it's predictable, and I can't believe we've got here by the end of only the second season. My brain curdles at the thought of what fanwank Russell T Davies and chums will come up with for season three.

Ah, Russell T Davies - he still needs someone to paper over the holes in his scripts. 'The Ghost Shift'... um, not quite sure I got that one. Another one of those 'if only we could harness it' energy sources, or something. And the cybermen 'ghosts' wander around looking like silhouettes of ordinary people - why's that then? And they convince, via - what was it? ESP or something? - that they're dead relatives come back to life. Um... And don't forget the in-jokes, 'cos Babs Windsor is chucking Dirty Den's 'ghost' out of the Queen Vic, and, like, Tracy-Ann Oberman, who's playing the head of Torchwood, actually killed Den in Eastenders! Tee-hee-hee... That's postmodern irony that is. I think...

And this week's Cringeworthy Tennant Moment (every episode must have one): well, it has to be his 'Who ya gonna call?' Yup, my toes went skyward; I'm guessing yours did too. Second prize has to go to the constant putting on of 3-D specs for no obvious reason. Duh...

There's the odd decent bit. Cybermen threatening a young family in their home is scary because it destroys that familiar safe haven, and a bird's eye view of the silver monsters marching down a city street is visually arresting. Yvonne Hartman makes for an interesting character, nicely inhabiting that murky grey area between friend and foe, and Tracy-Ann Oberman clearly relishes the part. She's soft on her juniors' romance, but steely with the Doctor, with her cheery 'Oh, yes' response to his asking whether he's a prisoner. Could have done without the clapping scene though. Camille Coduri also provides a reassuringly solid performance as Jackie. Even the Doctor gets a moment to shine with his glass-breaking demonstration and subsequent use of that 'couldn't care less' attitude to get Yvonne to halt the Ghost Shift. Shame he'd pulled the same stunt the week before though...

Overall then, Doctor Who seems to think it's one of those big, modern blockbuster movies, like The Mummy or Van Helsing. It's big for big's sake, overblown, everything and the kitchen sink. There are cool special effects, huge armies, worlds at stake. But it's all surface gloss with nothing underneath. It's emotionally uninvolving and I find myself not really caring what happens next. Which is a real shame.