To the tune of ‘Drunken Sailor’ Traditional English rhyme.

Structure based on ‘What shall we do with a Grumpy Teacher?’ by A. Ahlberg.

What shall we do with a gurning Doctor?

Give ‘im an adventure to quickly ‘sort a’

Give him corny pigs to slowly slaughter

And a grieving Mum missing her daughter.

Earl –eye in the farm-yard.

Oooh Aagh - on he races

Pull-ing silly faces.

With Rose so he chases

To save all our bacon!

What shall we do with an awkward Doctor?

Stick him in a TARDIS always broken,

Lumber him with a girl Cockney spoken.

Land him in estates run down as token

Of the human farmyard.

What shall we do with a smug smug Doctor?

Tie him up in political plotline 

Put him in Parliament with farting porcine

Sadly use fat actors for cheap buffoon swines!

Early in the evening.

By eck -he’s my hero

By gum -just like Nero

Why doth he fiddle so?

In man’s affairs gurning!

What shall we do with under-eight children

Tell ‘em the next Doctor has smaller ears!

Teach crying kiddies the meaning of fear, 

Promise ‘em a tall settee from IKEA?

Earl-eye in the evening! 

What shall we do menace and fear?

Subvert them with farts to force undue calm.

Give monsters childish faces -too much charm? 

So sad Doctor’s wisecracks soften alarm

Earl-eye in the evening!

Bang Bang his poor hammer

Wrong date- needs a spanner

To mend his mean manner

In nice Tardis growing.

What shall we do with an angry Doctor

Bore him with sub-plot strangely domestic

Weave in complicated Mum, Mick or Rick

To confuse kids, and his trusted sidekick 

Earl-eye in the evening!

What do you do with a tetchy Doctor?

Give him a taste of family phonecard chatter

Trap him (AND US) with TV till he gets sober.

At LAST! He became independently bolder

Waking up this story! 

Rose Rose you seek meaning

Rose, Rose’s questions teeming 

Rose, Rose’s loving feeling

To a Doctor lonely!

What shall we do with an eager Doctor?

Make him tell others to ‘shup up’ nastily 

Suggest his sexual impropriety--

Themes my child shouldn’t hear on the settee

Earl-eye in the evening?

What shall we do with a Doctor scuppered? 

Put him in blue and unzip a big head

Place Mum, Rose and us all in dread

And spoil the wait with a trailer instead! 

Early-eye Auntie own goal.

Quick there- with your zips

When your gas chamber rips

Too slow expending farts

And you’ll be inflating!

Alternative chorus

Doc-tor, Who has begun

Doc-tor Who full of fun,

Time-Lord you’re a rum ‘un

Good ninth, new life dawning!

P.S There was a real French board game called ‘Pigs in Space’

I am an American fan of Doctor Who. I first watched Tom Baker grin his way through nightmarish situations as a teenager on my local PBS station, back when the U.S. had only three network channels, and PBS was about intelligent alternative (read: British) programming. I loved it. It led me to conventions, to Pertwee and Davidson, to Troughton, Hartnell, Colin Baker and McCoy. Then life came along. College, marriage, a child, divorce, a career... life. And then I discovered that there were novels. The New Adventures from Virgin. The Past Adventures. And the McGann FOX movie. Doctor Who was not forgotten by the fans, or by intelligent writers and filmmakers. For all the flaws of the tv movie, I loved it. The glorious Jules Verne Tardis. The relatively subdued, yet classic costume. The Virgin books. Lungbarrow, Dying Days. The BBC books. Interference, Ancestor cell The audio books! The voices of classic Doctors once again coming through the air. My god, how cool was that?

And then the Scream of the Shalka. A new Doctor. Not what I'd hoped for. A little silly really. Not the fault of the performers, but the story.... just didn't work for me. But there was a new Doctor!

So, this little ramble is building up to this. I got to watch the first four episodes of the new Davies and Eccleston Doctor Who back to back, and while I know that the other episodes remaining in this first season have been filmed, or are in process, I have to say this:

I am concerned. Aliens of London. I suppose this is the episode that really made it clear to me. Rose: introduction to the new series. Not perfect, sure, but full of promise. he End of the World: better, and containing a sense of something that Farscape had in spades and Enterprise completely failed to have: a sense of wonder. Of awe. Of being overwhelmed. The Unquiet Dead: Classic BBC magic. A period piece, looking great, feeling great, and Simon Cowell. Excellent.

But here's what isn't working. While Rose is perhaps the best televised companion, for sheer reaction to what is happening to her and around her (negative reactions especially), Eccleston's Doctor is still uneven. Not bad. Not at all. But kind of one note so far. He smiles, he laughs, and he glares, but it all feels the same. But hey, it's only four episodes in. None of the actors, except Hartnell who created the role, seemed to have things quite in line as they later would in their early episodes. So, hopeful there.

The Tardis. While I am a huge fan of the art of Bryan Hitch, the artist who designed the new Tardis interior, the bicycle pump is ridiculous. For diety's sake. This is a Time Lord. I like the more alien, semi organic feel, but c'mon Mr. Davies. A touch more respect for the most important set/prop/nonspeaking character.

Rose and the Doctor: While I really didn't have the problems some did with McGann's tendency to snog Grace, I did view it as a post regeneration state of affairs, as did the writers who continued the eighth Doctor's story. While I applaud and embrace the fact that Rose is a better and real companion, I watch the new show and think: ok, just get it over with. Russell. The Doctor isn't human. He's NOT HUMAN. The best episodes of any incarnation had moments where this was shining through. And we were jarred by them. Are we tossing out the shocking display of real alien-ness that episodes like Remembrance of the Daleks showed us? Letting Cassandra wither away is hardly in the same range. the morality speech from The Unquiet Dead was great, but the no domestics bit... well, no. And the laying on the floor looking like the two of them just rolled off the console together, well. Hmm. Making the companion more of partner, fine. Making her a romantic partner in even the most minor of senses is appalling. The Doctor is lonely. We all know this. It's part of his character. But not that kind of lonely. He's not human.

Specifically for Aliens of London: ok, got the fact that the farting bit was the bodies of our villains having problems with their disguises. Ok. Amusing the one time. Then bloody annoying. The pig. Great idea, handled well. It was scared. Very much the Doctor. Bravo Chris. The UNIT, and the Doctor has a way with the military bits? Too little, too vague, and quite simply don't make any sense. The Doctor has interacted with UNIT for what? 5 of his incarnations? And he ends up watching the events unfold on the TV? And this is more realistic? Some nutter shows up and calls out a attack plan that anyone could have pulled from a Clancy novel and doesn't get shot by a bunch of soldiers or arrested? More realistic?

Aaarrrrgghhh.

There was this thing. It was called the Cartmel Master Plan. It was about reintroducing the sense of mystery and wonder back into the Doctor. It didn't come to pass with the original series, because it was too little, too late. Elements were incorporated into the novels, and we all went oh my god. We do see hints here. The Last of the Time Lords. The Death of Gallifrey. The Time War. These are positives.

Here's what needs to happen, in my oh so humble opinion: Russell and the lads and ladies behind this show need to remember that the audience is smart. The kids are smart. The grownups are smart. Treat us that way. No fart jokes. No companion/Doctor sexual tension. Make the show scary. I keep hearing that this is what we will be seeing. Hiding behind the sofa, right? Scare us. Thrill us. We have a Doctor, a Tardis, and a companion. We have had the X-Files, Ultraviolet, Farscape, Buffy, and the Virgin and BBC books since the series went off the air. It might be a family show, but families are made of adults too. Treat the audience with respect, and see that you remain true to the core of the character. Learn the lessons of Enterprise. Some scary parallels here. Both shows have built in audiences. Both have roots in decades of stories. One is cancelled, because the people who made the show simply failed to treat their audience as if they mattered. I'd hate to see the Doctor go that way.

But as I said, I am concerned...

Count me among the very few who have never read, heard nor seen any of Mark Gatiss's previous work. Yes, I know – I'm a heathen. But on the basis of this episode alone, you can be sure I'll be borrowing past episodes of League of Gentleman from my local video store. The Unquiet Dead is a return to the gaslight-powered horror-tinged atmosphere that worked so well in the Talons of Weng Chiang. 

A story like the Unquiet Dead is going to fail or succeed based on the performance of its actors. So it's a foregone conclusion that Simon Callow's performance as Charles Dickens was absolutely brilliant. Charles Dickens easily equals Jago, Litefoot and Duggan as one of my favourite supporting characters. I'd never met Charles Dickens, but if I had, I do believe he would look like Simon Callow.

The biggest completely out-of-left field surprise performance came from Eve Myles (Gwyneth). Along with Charles Dickens, the character of Gwyneth is the true heroine of this story. She willingly sacrifices her own life to stop the Gelth from passing through the rift. Equally as important, she forces Rose to question her own class prejudices.Her performance is subtle, beautiful and deeply heartfelt. That's three for three in the "great supporting actors" stakes (Yasmin Bannerman being the other). 

Murray Gold's incidental music (both here and in EOTW) is a humongous improvement over that heard in Rose. It's extremely subtle, and at times deeply moving, particularly towards the end during Gwyneth's final scenes. What it shows is that Gold can write very good music for the serious dramatic scenes, but he does tend to go over the top (not to mention have the subtlety of a sledgehammer) when a little levity and silliness is required.

Once again, we have an extremely strong and powerful ending:

"My books Doctor...do they last?"

"Oh yes."

"For how long?"

"Forever."

Only three episodes in, and they've already produced an episode which I now absolutely must place on my "All Time Favourites List". It remains to be seen whether this wonderful and entertaining story can be topped. Time will tell.

I may have been critical of the previous episode, The End of the World, not because it was such a terrible story - it wasn't, and it does contain several stand-out moments - but because I felt it lacked dramatic impact (even if, as Adric would say, it tried so hard). Creepy, macabre and suspensful stories have always been my favourite in Dr Who and I feel no shame in admitting that the much-lauded Phillip Hinchcliffe era with Tom Baker is my favourite in all the series (in addition to a healthy smattering of other good stories, of course). So, how does The Unquiet Dead stand up against predecessors such as these, and indeed against the previous two installments from Russell T Davies?

In short, it stands up very well. Clearly it is a story more directly comparable to the old classics. This by no means confers immediate status - in fact, it can make it even easier to pick out "faults" - but The Unquiet Dead manages to succeed in its own right, regardless.

It helps to have a script tailored more to the 45 minute format, one that actually seems to fit this time (the first two being uncomfortably tight squeezes). This is achieved because we are now used to the two regulars, the setting is less exotic - more quickly idenitifiable - and the guest cast is kept to a minimum, eschewing the plethora of superfluous characters so evident in TEotW. All this even allows the pace, previously so frantic, to settle down - as it had to for a story set mostly within an old funeral parlour.

Our three main human guest stars all perform well (acting has been a real plus for this new series so far). Simon Callow makes a memorable Charles Dickens, but I would like to specially mention Eve Myles as Gwynneth, who seemlessly conveyed a charming combination of innocence, modesty, intelligence and beauty.

The Gelth were suitably Whovian villians. Nice to see them turn nasty on everyone at the end, highlighting the need to temper goodwill with caution. I also enjoyed the Doctor and Rose disagreeing on some important issues - not just a minor spat over his reluctance to reveal his origins - with the Doctor promoting a broader if unsentimental morality perfectly in keeping with his scientific and alien background. Some people are complaining that this Doctor lacks compassion, but the Doctor has often shown to us a slightly darker side of himself when the stakes are high, most evident perhaps in the early William Hartnell years, also in Tom Baker (take another look at Pyramids of Mars). Even Jon Pertwee could be abrasive. I like to see the Doctor operating at a slightly different level than most of us; that's what makes him so different from most TV heroes, and the more writers/producers try to humanise him, the less interesting he becomes.

It did faze me initially when Charles Dickens saved the day instead of the Doctor. Yet a significant part of this story was focusing on this man, by all parameters enlightened, intelligent and reasoning, wrestling with concepts far outside his usual sphere, and finally coming to grips with them. For such an important historical figure such as Charles Dickens not to have anything constructive to add would have rendered his inclusion an unnecessary curiosity and forfeited his character arc. There is also precedent for the Doctor playing a more subordinate role (we have to go back a bit, but right up to Tenth Planet it was often Ian or Ben solving problems and swinging into action. I haven't heard too many complaints about The Crusades, and the Doctor did precious little in that fine story compared to his later incarnations).

Amongst all this, the running subplot of a Time War is slowly gathering momentum. It sounds most intriguing. Not having read any of the New Adventures books, I have no idea what it bodes. Let's hope it's played out effectively, as big ideas can be two-edged swords.

Next week, our first two-parter, with a preview that certainly whets the appetite. For now, we seem to have a series in good hands, with two fine regulars performing effortlessly off each other, enthusiastic writing and decent technical specs.

As the weeks approached DW 2005 kick-off, I began to look forward to some stories more than others. I recall it being so way back in the 1980s, as DWM provided previews of upcoming episodes. Of the 13 stories preparing to dazzle in 2005, the 2 that really stood out were the Dalek episode (which will be episode 6) and the Victorian one.

I only really need to look down the list of my all-time favourite stories, to show that a Victorian setting usually means brilliant Doctor Who. I really empathize with Mark Gatiss when he waxes lyrical about this period of History. It truly was a momentous era, and one where the good and bad of Human Behaviour thrived. It’s a time that has been partially romanticized, thanks to the efforts of Conan Doyle and his contemporaries. I’m sure it wasn’t as gloriously atmospheric as the majority of Fiction presents it nowadays. Nonetheless I love my Victoriana, however idealized it has become.

It’s lovely to see the wonder on the 9th Doctor, and especially Rose, as they arrive. That first step into the snow from the TARDIS was wondrous – and a glorious moment amongst many. Billie Piper looks lovely in her Victorian garb, and it’s an interesting contrast to other Doctors to see the 9th Doctor look so out of place here.

First and foremost The Unquiet Dead is a classic ghost story – one that thrives in such a setting. Getting to the heart of the matter with setting it at an Undertakers enforces this. The ephemeral presence is brilliantly depicted – showing how FX can enrich a brilliant story. For it all to work though, the basic has to be that brilliant script. Thankfully my faith in the talents of Mark Gatiss were fully justified. I was looking forward to this and the Dalek story more than any other simply because I have loved the stories of Gatiss and Shearman in the past. 

The story is rich in characterization, and replete with horror and humour. This works because of Christopher Ecclestons “more impressive with every episode” Doctor. His objective, amongst many other things, was to counter the scares with the Doctors reassurance. Thus the monsters are scary, but the Doctor is our rock – with him with us we need not fear too much!

The whole production really gives us a superb Victorian Ghost Story. From Make Up, through Scenery, through Costumes – it’s all here – exactly as I like it. It’s the night-time too, adding a further creepiness to proceedings. The direction was as quick and precise as its preceding episodes. Here though there just seems to be so much more style. I am looking forward to watching it late at night with the lights off – it will be splendid!

Another highlight of the episode is the inclusion of Charles Dickens. I was fascinated by Simon Callows portrayal. Knowing a little about Dickens (he represents the Victorian era better than anyone) this was a fine inclusion. Thanks to Callows knowledge of Dickens (his one man Dickens play aired on BBC that same night) it is clear he understands the part. It’s the best depiction of Dickens I have seen in any production. There’s a weariness to him at the start, as befits someone who will be dead within a year. Yet the wonder emerges by the end, with a strong allusion to Dickens own Christmas Carol. Additional supporting players also are impressive and don’t let the side down one bit. Gwyneth particularly stands out, particularly her selfless nature.

Billie Piper continues to be exceptional as Rose Tyler. It seems so far this season that she has been in more scenes than the Doctor – and as she is our guide that is okay. The delightful chat with Gwyneth in the back room. The aforementioned wonder at emerging in the past. She is clearly just as much of a star of Doctor Who, this time round, as the title character.

Brilliant characters, impressive storytelling, exceptional production values – it’s no surprise that millions are flocking back to Doctor Who. For a fan who has been with the show since the mid 70s, it’s all rather amazing and magical. This series above all else is capturing the wonder just beyond our doorstep. It’s capturing the glorious ideology that we all can be incredible in our own world. Whether it’s the end of the world, or in the past, the references to us now are everywhere.

I doubt this series of Doctor Who will better this, because it’s magnificent Doctor Who. Then again I wouldn’t bet on it. This series is going beyond expectations. Mark Gatiss and the production team have truly achieved greatness here – that is lovely to behold. 10/10

I knew this would be good. As far as I could tell, only a very small contingent of fans had outright hated The Unquiet Dead. After its UK broadcast, even those who’d sneered at the first two episodes had conceded that this was better quality. I did my usual thing, first watching it with the family then by myself in the dark. On both occasions, I could very quickly tell I was watching something special.

The pre-title sequence blew its predecessor out of the water – the traditional Holmes/Hinchcliffe opening we’ve missed so much. And of course, the BBC keeps up its tradition of making the Victorian era look spot-on, even in the new Millennium. Director Euros Lyn pulled off last week’s The End of the World with panache, but has surpassed himself with The Unquiet Dead. And Mark Gatiss… what a wonderful writer! I’ve heard plenty of shocking things about Russell T. Davies’ writing style, and though I’d defend him to the hilt after The End of the World, in my opinion he still doesn’t come near Gatiss’ clear understanding of how to write for Doctor Who. I mean, he just got it so perfectly right! Let’s have a look at the evidence, shall we?

Well, I’ve already mentioned the pre-titles sequence, haven’t I? Well, in classic Who tradition, we then move the action into the TARDIS, for a bit of Doctor-Rose banter. And of course the ship’s gone off-course, it’s the sodding TARDIS, innit? Some modern thoughts have been injected into the script, such as Rose’s contemplation of turning back the clock, but soon we’re out in Victorian Cardiff… and doesn’t it look superb. Hard to believe this was filmed in Summer. This is the BBC in its element. When we enter Charles Dickens’ dressing room, we are treated to what is possibly the most sober scene in Doctor Who so far. Even the “turn of the Earth” scene in Rose and the plumber scene in The End of the World were faster-paced. And it’s refreshing. Simon Callow as Dickens clearly relishes this role, and is taking his time with his delicious lines.

Then, after a beautiful recital of an excerpt from A Christmas Carol, we’re straight into the action, with a packed theatre terrorised by a gaseous creature. In their own characteristic manner, the Doctor and Rose slip into the action… and Rose is very quickly kidnapped. I let out a cheer – Rose has had her first kidnapping scene! Welcome to the growing family of Who companions, my dear. So the Doctor hijacks Dickens’ carriage – with Dickens inside – and “the chase is on”. What wonderful dialogue Gatiss has written for the two of them. And what wonderful chemistry they have together. Once we’ve reached the undertakers’, we’re treated to a brief reprisal of the previous episode’s “Rose trapped in room with evil thingy” scene. (There was sort of one in Rose, too – is this becoming a running gag?) Once she’s rescued, we have a discussion in the drawing room that immediately evokes memories of Ghost Light. For me, that’s a good thing. Rose’s conversation with Gwyneth expands on her conversation with the plumber in The End of the World… but gives us so much more. Gwyneth is psychic… there’s a darkness inside Rose’s mind… she’s seen the Big Bad Wolf… I suddenly adore Eve Myles.

If you didn’t think this episode could be more Hinchcliffe-esque, check out the sйance, and the first appearance of the Gelth. This scene gives both Eve Myles and Simon Callow another chance to shine. And more references to the “Time War”. I got goosebumps when Rose and the Doctor shared a glance. I thought, they know. So the Gelth need to survive, and Rose can’t grasp the concept of “recycling” dead bodies. Here’s a very interesting moral debate, unheard of in Doctor Who of old. And a very intriguing notion, whatever your stance. Gwyneth, of course, wants to go along with it, and we all cheer, because we can see the Gelth deserve a chance.

When Gwyneth stood beneath the arch, suddenly I got a chill. I had a horrible feeling something was about to go very wrong. I jumped when the Gelth became a demonic creature and began to multiply. This was the most frightened I’d been while watching Doctor Who since the “Ratkin” scene in Ghost Light. And that was a long time ago. When Charles Dickens saved the day, I knew this was exceptional writing – Gatiss had brought this character on a full journey. Rare for a “celebrity cameo” (both cast member and character), especially in Doctor Who. Gwyneth’s sacrifice – and the Doctor’s revelation to Rose that she was already dead – almost brought a tear to my eye, as did the news that Dickens was not long for this world. When we came to Dickens’ closing line, I felt like applauding. Even my cynical Who-hater of a younger brother (sixteen) blurted out, “That was a really good episode.” I know countless people have already mentioned their family and friends saying things like this, but this was the first time my brother had been positive about the show. So that was nice.

Even after only two viewings, The Unquiet Dead definitely goes on my Top Ten list of favourite Who stories. Pretty high too, I’d say. Kudos to the production team – writer, director, cast, crew – for creating such a piece of perfection. Hinchcliffe, Holmes… eat your hearts out.