Warriors of the DeepBookmark and Share

Wednesday, 2 March 2005 - Reviewed by John Hoyle

In an attempt to vent some frustration, (I’m feeling slightly down at the moment) I come to review the utter, utter crap that Warriors of the Deep is.

I say utter, the script is actually adequate. That is that the ideas and plot are adequate. The dialogue is shite. It could have been the next Earthshock. At least if it had a semblance of the atmosphere conveyed by Earthshock it might become somewhere near tolerable.

The problem is that in every way Warriors of the Deep appears on screen, it fails. The re-dressed Silurians and Sea Devils look truly, truly dreadful. The Sea Devils have been hibernating for many years but it looks like they’ve slept badly and awoke with pains in their necks. Why the f*** else would they walk around with their cheeks touching their shoulders? I don’t want to mention the Silurians’ voices but feel obliged to point out their particular crappness too.

The acting is terrible. In every way. The regulars put in admirable performances but their jokes fall flat. “What have you been eating?” Oh tee hee, my aching sides! Davison in particular acts his heart out but with crap lines can you be anything other than crap? Mark Strickson does the best with his script but it’s a shame Turlough has suddenly become a heroic, gun-toking Prince Charming as opposed to the unlovable coward he usually is. Tegan is as Tegan as ever. Enough said.

All the guest cast make me fume. Ginger tosser annoys me. What a completely inept character he is. One finds it difficult to feel sorry for this young idiot, when really we should be. Ingrid Pitt is equally diabolical. She exudes little to no menace whatsoever and her kung-fu with the Myrka is perhaps the definition of unforgivable.

Ah, yes, the Myrka. Well a pantomime horse was always destined to fail but did it have to fail so acceptingly awfully? Could no-one have said “Guys, shall we turn the lights down?” No. Obviously not. In fact, everyone involved in the production decide “Let’s paint all the walls bright white and shower the sets with light before letting an unconvincing rubber pantomime horse stagger about like a drunkard and ask our audience to take it seriously.” Well, in the words of Blackadder there was only one thing wrong with their plan…it was bollocks.

I want to stop writing this. I really want to. The story isn’t even ‘so bad it’s good.’ It’s beyond that. It’s dire, dire television and god-awful Doctor Who. To think that this was a season-opener too! Jeese-Louise! My heart bleeds!

I can see why Eric Saward commissioned it. On paper one can imagine how magnificent it could have looked, but the end result…

Too awful to even waste another word on …